Are You Kidding Me? I Don't Understand?

It’s often said our kid’s brains are like sponges and are most impressionable for learning and language in the toddler to early elementary years.  This makes a lot of sense, since this is probably when a person learns the most about being alive and how to function as a human as they will at any other point in life.  What this also means, is that our kids are major copycats.  It’s true; much of the behavior your child engages in was learned behavior through observation.  So, if your child is engaging in some behavior you don’t love, the first place to look is, you guessed it, yourself!  

The moments I’m reminded of this most are when my kids say or exclaim something with some enthusiasm.  They say it, and I’m like “where did that come from?” And before I can even finish the question, my mind knows… THAT’S ME!!  Currently my son, 5 ½, is walking around reacting to numerous things every day with the question “Are you kidding me?” in a very expressive fashion.  And guess what I belt out when something puzzles me?  That very same thing!  I’ve noticed also, on occasion, when something isn’t working out just how it’s planned my son will exclaim “I don’t under-STAND!”   Again, right out of old pop’s playbook.  So that’s fun, isn’t it? 

The funny thing is he almost goes out of his way to come up with situations like this.  It happens in his play, not just as unconscious reactions to life scenarios.  So, my habits, whether bad or good, become a means of intentional copying, not just reaction.  So isn’t it daunting, humbling, and hopefully, motivating, that these little beings that look up to us so much and desire so deeply to copy us deserve a decent example and model to copycat? In large part, we’re modeling who they are becoming.  We’ll make mistakes, so there will be plenty of opportunity to teach about that too, but let’s make sure we give some intentional effort to just not be blatantly rude, crude and socially unacceptable.  This good practice in general, sure, but more importantly, while our kids are watching.  And believe me; they’re watching more than we’ll ever know! 

Christmas Past, Christmas Present...

I've always loved Christmas.  As much as other people try to underwhelm it's affect or argue for other holiday's being better, there is really no holiday, in my mind, that presents the overall "feel," and atmosphere that Christmas does over the course of the extended Advent and Christmas seasons.  People that don't like the season, I understand, have usually had some unfortunate experiences that take away its joy such as the loss of a loved one, strained family relationships or perhaps just a bad family situation growing up which didn't provide the "magic," the Christmas season brings.  I also feel that understanding and celebrating the original meanings behind Christmas (including the Advent season leading up to it), which our family does, can enhance the joy and experience, but I'll leave that to each family to determine. 

But what made this year special was not my own enthusiasm for the holiday, but my children's.  My son is five and my daughter almost four and while last year they began to grasp the idea of the season, they weren't nearly as understanding and expressive of it as they became this year.  My son, in particular, just really grasped on to it this year, stating repeatedly how exciting and wonderful everything was.  Even my daughter, came into our room the morning before, exclaiming "Merry Christmas!" as she'd seen a majority of the presents appear under the tree.  She was exciting, but also a little confused as to why it wasn't Christmas yet, even though the presents were there. 

This really brought a new element to Christmas as the growing enthusiasm of my children's joy enhanced my own and my wife's.  I said to my parents on the phone on Christmas Day how neat it was to begen to see the joy and excitement in your kids at this time of year, and they shared in my sentiment of how special that was for them with me "back then," and now again with their grandkids. 

So, Merry Christmas, and my the childlike joy and exhuberence the season brings always exist within you!! 

"Wow, they are getting old!"

I've said this.  My dad has said this, both when I was younger, and again recently.  It's something all parents say and it's inevitable.  Our kids are growing at an alarming pace, and there is nothing we can do to stop it.  That can be overwhelming to think about sometimes.  But that shouldn't stop us from doing everything we can to help it.  And there is plenty we can do to help it.  There  are teachable moments everyday; about how to treat others, how to act in public, what to avoid, how things work, why things happen and so much more.  Don't think everything that happens in the "day-to-day," is beyond their young minds.  If they are seeing it, they probably want to know about it or have questions about it.  Obviously use judgement as to how much or what is appropriate, but don't just pass everything off as inexplicable to a young child.  Find a way to explain it to them so they can understand.  It's a good mind exercise for us, too, to explain something in a more simple way.  Your kids should be used to you talking to them about stuff so it's no always about discipline, or "no," or being after them to do stuff around the house.  My son has asked me some of the most amazing questions and even given some awesome perspective on things when I've made an extra effort to tell him about or point out things from our day. 

If we live life along side of our kids (but still always be parents and parental and all of that when it's necessary) and not just "above them," all the time, it benefits us both and it helps this alarming rate of growth produce more capable, well rounded children.  Rapid growth works best when well guided, not left to happen on it's own.  It all comes back to being there for them.  I think it's tempting to sit back and say "Well, they have their moms now, and pre-schools and nurseries and whatever, I'll be more involved when they can throw, or do sports or just interact with me more."  But the impressions of a father on young children should never be overlooked.  It sets the stage and foundation for your involvement, their comfort level of you and your effectiveness for the ups and downs ahead.  Remember, you're growing (as to avoid the term "aging") at just as nearly an alarming pace as they are, and this is time neither of you will get back.     

Back On Line...

So moving is time consuming, then, huh?  WOW!  And there still is that little newborn, and now my class has started for this semester.  But, no worry, we push through.  Over the course of the move and the first few months of a new life in our midst, in addition to things I experience and learn through my job, I've had several thoughts about fatherhood that I'll highlight here and speak more about in coming posts. 

The first, and perhaps most important, is that children long for our attention and time.  While these are two seperate things and can be different from one another, they are also very closely related.  Either involves the other to truly matter.  I think the trap I fall into most is thinking I'm giving my kids time when I might not give them my full attention, when the truth is, I could give my kids a few moments of undivided attention and have it be much more valuable to them than a greter amount of time.  The trick is how to maximize both, because there will be times when kids need just a few minutes of our attention to feel loved and appreciated and then it is our duty as fathers to block out significant amounts of time to spend with our kids, and not forget to keep our attention as much as possible during that time.  Children are typically much more well adjusted in life and better behaved when they are receiving good amounts of both time and attention from both mom and dad! 

The other thing I'm often struck by is the significance of the bond between father and son.  Few things in life effect a man's emotions, regardless of background or history, more than the thoughts of the bond or lack of bond with his father.  It's amazing to me how readily a man can break down, particularly when facing the reality of the missing or troubled bond with is father.  In my mind, this only goes to prove further the signifigance of that bond and maybe how often overlooked it is in society. 

So, there you go.  Food for thought and a preview of topics to come, in addition, of course, to baby stuff, moving stuff and general father/child activities and discussion!  Spread the word, join the conversation!  Talk to you soon.

Inactivity due to Activity...

Moving... please standby.  (Oh, and now there's a hurricane coming!!??)  Promise to be back soon. 

The Activities List

Ahhhh, it's been over a week.  I definitely didn't mean to let it go more than a week.  Sorry!  But, here's a quick post to start what will be one of our "features."  This can be a place where dad's share ideas and get ideas for many things, but more specifically, for various activities to engage in that create quality time with your children.  Whether it's short and silly, or longer, more involved and significant projects.  We start with short and silly.

Summer Shadow Time.  Ok, so "summer" is only there because that's what time of year it is, but this is a fun activity to do any time of year to get through some slow nights.  It's pretty simply, shadow puppets and figures on a wall with a flashlight.  However, if you can find a wall that doesn't have a lot of stuff along it and set up a flashlight on the floor that can shine up at it, it can almost create a stage where you and the kids can create life size (and bigger) shadows.  My 5 and 3 year old LOVE this, get so silly and burn tons of energy in a relatively short period of time.  When they stand in front of that light and see their giant sized heads, limbs and bums on the wall, it's quite a riot for them.  They can create shadows as big as the room, which is great for them.  If daddy slips in a hand or foot from behind the light, it can create a giant hand grabbing their shadow, or a huge foot coming down from the ceiling and "squashing the bugs," as we pretended last time.  So, hope you try it sometime.  Simple, free and funny!  

The first few weeks wont be like the rest...

(written 7/21 at 1:12am)Everything that first week is so new, so different.  Its exciting and draining but the excitement gets you through the draining part.  Not only is the baby new to you but the world is new to the baby so it changes from week to week too.  What i remember about our others is how routined and patterned everything seemed.  With our son, there was a feeding every night around 4:00, wich kind of ended up becoming my shift once we mixed in the bottle feeding.  Even now we remember it as "the four-oclock-feeding," it became so regular.  And our daughter, fortunately, started sleeping through the night (a six-ish hour period from about midnight on) by about the end of two months, which was also a pleasant "regular" experience for us.  What i didnt remember is how little pattern there is the first few weeks.  The environment is such an adjustment to the baby that he will change constantly each week that goes on; he can see a bit more clearly, is awake for longer stretches, increases in alertness, can pick out different and new sounds.  And what that amounts too is inconsistancy.  Last night he pretty much didnt sleep for any long stretch and my wife, consequently, got about an hour-and-a-half of total sleep.  Tonight, he was down by midnight and still going strong an hour later (what am I doing up so late?!) something he really hasn't done much at all, yet.  Once that first week is behind you there can be some frustration and difficulty with the inconsistancy which the newborn's generable adorableness will bring you through.  And here's to hoping some of those patterns wont be far behind!

Mesmorizing

It’s neat watching the kids with the baby.  They were so excited.  Of course, all my daughter wants to do is play with him so it’s interesting explaining to her that it will be a while before the baby can play with her and our oldest.  Thinking back to our first child, this is a bit of a let down for fathers, sometimes, too.  We like response.  It’s why we’re drawn to the people we call friends, it’s why we like when people laugh at our attempts at humor.  I remember being excited to interact with the baby.  But when the baby arrives, it’s not able to really interact yet.  Many of the things we’ll do as fathers to a newborn to get a “response” out of, won’t draw a response at all.  More of just a blank stare.  However, this is equally amazing in it’s own way.   

This time around, as we sat with our newborn in the hospital for two days, I pretty much decided I could stare at a baby for hours and be mesmerized (oddly, I also feel this way about low flying commercial jets)!  And of course it is very attached to mommy and that can be hard for a dad to accept at first too, the attachment to mommy that doesn’t seem to be taking place for the father at first.  So realizing that this is natural and the way it’s supposed to be can be helpful to begin with.  The time for a baby’s response to its loving father’s silly faces and tickles is coming soon enough, and it’s amazing.  But don’t let the delay squelch the amazement of a newborn, it’s tininess, it’s meagerness, it’s reliance upon its mother, and you.  The amazement of how a newborn looks that is so much different than at any point in the human lifecycle.  I always kind of felt it was like a mix of old man and alien... in a cute way, of course!  So, as much as you get the chance just stare… for hours… because soon enough, you won’t be able to.

New Addition!

And now there are three… sad to say it's been almost a year since my last post (at least I didn't let it go a whole year), what better time to pick it back up than when going through “new father” all over again.  When you go through it again after it's been three years, you kind of take it for granted.  I feel like we weren't as in to the pregnancy this time or didn't pay as much attention for whatever reason; we've been through it before, other kids take up time, everything else going on in life, etc.  One thing that kept me into it more toward the end was how the kids acted toward it.  They were always asking about the baby, "what is the baby saying," they'd ask daily, or wanting to see mom's belly.  Toward the end I started taking notice more, how big my wife's belly got, watching it move.  It's still just an amazing and mesmerizing thing... there's a baby in there!  You can see it moving around.  I still wish we somehow got some video of a (tactfully covered up) moving belly to share with others and remember years down the road, as you never know if another pregnancy will come.  Either way, once the baby comes there is no loss of attention toward it.  So here we are, again. New life, new parents, an abruptly interrupted schedule and trying to remember how we did it all the first time, just with the two previous babies running all around the house!  

So as the posts start to come again, you'll get a lot of new dad stuff.  Invite someone you know who's going through or about to go through having a newborn to join the discussion for insight and to bring some input from their own experience.  As always, all you experienced dad's out there, feel free to reminisce and share your own tips.  I'll be needing them!    

Everyday Wisdom

I'm not a Patriots fan, but Vince Wilfork, the team's star defensive lineman, has given me at least an ounce more reason to pay attention to my local Patriots broadcasts on Sundays.  After becoming the highest paid defensive lineman in the NFL at 5 years - $40 million, he remains the average man with a pretty standard colonial house in a pretty standard  neighborhood southwest of Boston, complete with his own veggie garden in the back.  In an article by Stan Grossfeld in Sunday's Boston Globe, he had some insightful and real thoughts on family life and fatherhood:

         "When it's my day off I want to relax, but when you got kids your day off really isn't a day off.  They think 'daddy's home, let's catch up.'  It's hard to do, but I try as best as I can."

This brings me to the research that shows how little time the average dad actually spends with his kid(s) each day or week.  I won't create a made up statistic but I know the numbers are somewhat low and kind of sad sometimes when you see them.  Then I inevitably play the game of, "That's not me, is it?"  Sometimes the dad might just work too much, but a lot of times it's because dad isn't really trying "as best he can."  I can tell you, I definitely don't want to be the dad that doesn't try as best I can.

Wilfork adds, "It's tough at times... my kids got so much energy.  I can't sit here and say it's not hard because it is.  But you have to let kids be kids."

What his statement lacks in eloquence, it makes up for in truth.  This is an important realization, that having kids is amazing, but that doesn't mean it won't be tough at times.  What he says is so important, about letting them be kids.  The scary thing is, when we do allow this to happen in a healthy way, it will most definitely interfere with our important "adult stuff."  I spoke with a young man today who has an infant at home and is gearing up to earn his GED and enter college in the next half-year.  After applauding his efforts, I told him point blank, "There are times that you will be frustrated!"  I continued by encouraging him that knowing that going into it can at least soften the blow and help him better plan and negotiate with his family supports to work out a manageable schedule.  Of course I also shared that for how great a sacrifice it is to be a father at times, it can be the most rewarding aspect of a man's life, which he has already begun to understand.  

I certainly don't "know" Vince Wilfork at least not beyond the featured article I read about him in the newspaper.  I know that beyond his humility he does have a pretty sweet truck.  No, not a pick-up, but a custom Freightliner big rig!  But the article probably isn't creating some big facade for him.  Having his wife, who is at most practices and travels to all home and away games, speak openly in the article about their relationship and his family involvement certainly increases the credibility.  I thank him for being in some kind of limelight, yet displaying plenty of responsibility and encouraging myself and fathers everywhere of the importance of spending that quality time with our kids, even when it's tough or there's other things we feel we need to be doing.

 

  

Back on Track

Well, just after writing "Time Crunch," (see below) I go dark for almost 4 months.  Well, good thing we're in the early phases and nobody's reading yet.  But, now I'm back and hoping to get going with this.  Welcome to those I've invited in the last week, check things out, get commenting and hopefully I'll have a couple new posts up to ponder (hopefully even before you read this)!

I can say that the last month has been crazy!  We were gone 4 straight weekends with 5 different destinations and the best thing was, it was all as a family.  While I did have school work due in mid-August and was without my family for a week (visiting my in-laws) I did meet up with them and we were doing awesome stuff all of the other weekends.  I'm thankful we had so many different experiences, saw so many different friends and family members and spent so much time together!  It was awesome to share in the joy that my kids had for both grandparents houses, our nations capital, a wedding, all our friends and "aunties and uncles," and of course, camping in Maine and visiting the L.L. Bean flagship store, which has some great stuff for kids if you're even near Freeport, ME.  We spent over an hour there on the way home, solely having the kids enjoy the neat stuff for them!

Now, we're home and I'm between semesters, so hopefully we can make some headway on the blog.  I look forward to sharing fatherhood with you all!  

Time Crunch

At just about this time of year (and again in November) I'm swamped.  For whatever reason, the respective Job I have increases demands and these two times of year is when my school semester is in the final stretch.  For this reason, my social interaction goes WAY down.  I hardly see or talk to friends, my social networking is virtually nil, and it's a STRUGGLE to keep up with things like, say, a blog, that I'm fairly new at to begin with!  My wife and kids are lucky enough for me to participate around the house a little bit each day (or every couple of days when it's really crazy).

So how do we do it (or maybe a better question is why)?  We all have these times of extreme busyness, how do we manage?  Stress levels rise, maybe loved ones feel slighted and we feel like we've given all we have to give!  I guess one requirement is make sure you still find time to clearly communicate.  Don't just assume (as I have a tendency to do) that because you know you have a lot going on, your loved ones know too.  Often they might not know, usually because we haven't told them.  "Well, honey, I didn't know you had a major presentation at work AND a paper due for your graduate class on the same day... you never mentioned it!"  Oops!  Most often, if those we love truly know what we have going on, for the few weeks things seem unmanageable, they are more than willing to do all they can to make it easier for us.  We just need to make sure we are telling them!

Anything else you find helps?

Where's the Line?

So today, we're at this public play space at a local mall; some things to climb on, an open house-like structure in the middle with a tunnel and slide (for the kids, of course!) and a lot of children and energy, being it a Saturday.  There were 3 or 4 older boys (older meaning 4 or 5) who were running around chasing each other, seemingly uncontrollable with no adults visibly interacting with them.  I said to my wife, "I wonder if their parents just dropped them off here, I've seen no adult interaction with these kids whatsoever!"  This went on for a while.  Other kids got knocked over, adults (myself included) got ran into and toward the end, these boys began getting nearly physically aggressive with one another.

Once a guardian type was outed, in this case a grandfather with perhaps an Italian accent, one other young father approached him after his little girl was knocked over by these boys.  All this really led to was the man yelling the boys name across long distances every once in a while and the boy ignoring him.  I had to speak up on two occasions; once in the house while my daughter was nearby warning the boys to be careful and watch out for other kids, the second time I feel like I was almost breaking up a fight.  The "grandchild" was holding on to another boy somewhat aggressively right next to me, to which I spoke up and said that everyone should keep their hands to themselves.  I later identified the other boys father, who was nearby when this physical interaction was taking place, to which I thought "Why aren't you intervening here, dad?  Your son is being physically handled by another wild child in the play area!"

So where is that line, when it become necessary to intervene with other people's children when the parent's are most likely around themselves?  In hindsight, I probably could have and maybe should have spoken up on more occasions and earlier than I had, but where is that line?  When you know parents are around but aren't taking actions to control their children, when do you step in?  You know it's going to identify the parents rather quickly (although after I interjected, I surprisingly did not learn who any other of these boys' parents were) and maybe offend them?  How would I react if another parent chose to be involved in disciplining my child in my presence amongst strangers?  Perhaps it was this thought that held me back longer than it should have been.  Maybe I shouldn't have acted at all?  What do you think, dads?

Wagging The Dog?

Usually our older kids are the example to our younger ones.  The young ones are always following the older, not only physically, but in actions and words.  Well what if the younger one (by 20 months) does stuff the older one doesn't?  Is it ok to bring attention to the younger child in an attempt to get the older one to do something you wish he'd do?

Kids; The Ultimate Game Changer

Having kids WILL affect the relationship with your spouse. You have to understand that. Talk about it, acknowledge it, accept it... to a point.  Fight it hard and make an extra effort to make up for it, to keep, ultimately, your relationship at the forefront and the first priority.  Make sure you keep it strong, first for each other and also as the example to the kids as they grow and continue the cycle establishing their own families.

Letting kids feel

Dad's often have the reputation of not allowing their boys to feel certain emotions, or at least express them beyond a certain age (similarly, it is often thought boys are conditioned to be tough and non expressive and to lack sensitivity). The thing is, I feel like most women are attracted to, or at least appreciate, the sensitive man. Not that we're simply raising our boys to be more attractive to women (or I don't know, maybe you are?) but the point is boys who are allowed to express emotions in appropriate ways often become better in their general communication and interactions with people in all aspects of life; school, work, friends, family, etc. So dads, think about how you handle the next time little johny is sad or cries about something or how you might let him express his anger rather than just tell him to "bottle it up, kid," or "big boys don't cry!" Which isn't ultimately the best means of getting over it.

Respect Their Mothers

If I could tell fathers the best thing they can do for their children it wouldn't be about parenting.  It would be about their relationship with their children's mom.  Small children are followers and guess who they are following?  They model their lives and actions off of what they see us doing.  You might not think they notice how you respond, treat or act toward their mom but if you notice your children disrespecting their mother it might be because you are.

Do you show her signs of love and affection?  Do you support her?  Do you listen to what she says and not respond with an attitude or sharp reactions?  Do you take her seriously?  Do you support and encourage her? Do you do what she asks?  Does she have your respect?

The best model of how children should treat their mothers comes from their fathers.  I'd say my kids generally have a pretty positive example of this, but I can also honestly say I've failed at one point or another at all of the above questions.  We all will.  But we can think about these things consciously and strive to improve them all.  The simple fact is that if we want our kid's behavior and actions toward their mothers to be right, the first place we look is at our own behavior and actions toward her.