Everyday Wisdom

I'm not a Patriots fan, but Vince Wilfork, the team's star defensive lineman, has given me at least an ounce more reason to pay attention to my local Patriots broadcasts on Sundays.  After becoming the highest paid defensive lineman in the NFL at 5 years - $40 million, he remains the average man with a pretty standard colonial house in a pretty standard  neighborhood southwest of Boston, complete with his own veggie garden in the back.  In an article by Stan Grossfeld in Sunday's Boston Globe, he had some insightful and real thoughts on family life and fatherhood:

         "When it's my day off I want to relax, but when you got kids your day off really isn't a day off.  They think 'daddy's home, let's catch up.'  It's hard to do, but I try as best as I can."

This brings me to the research that shows how little time the average dad actually spends with his kid(s) each day or week.  I won't create a made up statistic but I know the numbers are somewhat low and kind of sad sometimes when you see them.  Then I inevitably play the game of, "That's not me, is it?"  Sometimes the dad might just work too much, but a lot of times it's because dad isn't really trying "as best he can."  I can tell you, I definitely don't want to be the dad that doesn't try as best I can.

Wilfork adds, "It's tough at times... my kids got so much energy.  I can't sit here and say it's not hard because it is.  But you have to let kids be kids."

What his statement lacks in eloquence, it makes up for in truth.  This is an important realization, that having kids is amazing, but that doesn't mean it won't be tough at times.  What he says is so important, about letting them be kids.  The scary thing is, when we do allow this to happen in a healthy way, it will most definitely interfere with our important "adult stuff."  I spoke with a young man today who has an infant at home and is gearing up to earn his GED and enter college in the next half-year.  After applauding his efforts, I told him point blank, "There are times that you will be frustrated!"  I continued by encouraging him that knowing that going into it can at least soften the blow and help him better plan and negotiate with his family supports to work out a manageable schedule.  Of course I also shared that for how great a sacrifice it is to be a father at times, it can be the most rewarding aspect of a man's life, which he has already begun to understand.  

I certainly don't "know" Vince Wilfork at least not beyond the featured article I read about him in the newspaper.  I know that beyond his humility he does have a pretty sweet truck.  No, not a pick-up, but a custom Freightliner big rig!  But the article probably isn't creating some big facade for him.  Having his wife, who is at most practices and travels to all home and away games, speak openly in the article about their relationship and his family involvement certainly increases the credibility.  I thank him for being in some kind of limelight, yet displaying plenty of responsibility and encouraging myself and fathers everywhere of the importance of spending that quality time with our kids, even when it's tough or there's other things we feel we need to be doing.

 

  

Back on Track

Well, just after writing "Time Crunch," (see below) I go dark for almost 4 months.  Well, good thing we're in the early phases and nobody's reading yet.  But, now I'm back and hoping to get going with this.  Welcome to those I've invited in the last week, check things out, get commenting and hopefully I'll have a couple new posts up to ponder (hopefully even before you read this)!

I can say that the last month has been crazy!  We were gone 4 straight weekends with 5 different destinations and the best thing was, it was all as a family.  While I did have school work due in mid-August and was without my family for a week (visiting my in-laws) I did meet up with them and we were doing awesome stuff all of the other weekends.  I'm thankful we had so many different experiences, saw so many different friends and family members and spent so much time together!  It was awesome to share in the joy that my kids had for both grandparents houses, our nations capital, a wedding, all our friends and "aunties and uncles," and of course, camping in Maine and visiting the L.L. Bean flagship store, which has some great stuff for kids if you're even near Freeport, ME.  We spent over an hour there on the way home, solely having the kids enjoy the neat stuff for them!

Now, we're home and I'm between semesters, so hopefully we can make some headway on the blog.  I look forward to sharing fatherhood with you all!  

Time Crunch

At just about this time of year (and again in November) I'm swamped.  For whatever reason, the respective Job I have increases demands and these two times of year is when my school semester is in the final stretch.  For this reason, my social interaction goes WAY down.  I hardly see or talk to friends, my social networking is virtually nil, and it's a STRUGGLE to keep up with things like, say, a blog, that I'm fairly new at to begin with!  My wife and kids are lucky enough for me to participate around the house a little bit each day (or every couple of days when it's really crazy).

So how do we do it (or maybe a better question is why)?  We all have these times of extreme busyness, how do we manage?  Stress levels rise, maybe loved ones feel slighted and we feel like we've given all we have to give!  I guess one requirement is make sure you still find time to clearly communicate.  Don't just assume (as I have a tendency to do) that because you know you have a lot going on, your loved ones know too.  Often they might not know, usually because we haven't told them.  "Well, honey, I didn't know you had a major presentation at work AND a paper due for your graduate class on the same day... you never mentioned it!"  Oops!  Most often, if those we love truly know what we have going on, for the few weeks things seem unmanageable, they are more than willing to do all they can to make it easier for us.  We just need to make sure we are telling them!

Anything else you find helps?

Where's the Line?

So today, we're at this public play space at a local mall; some things to climb on, an open house-like structure in the middle with a tunnel and slide (for the kids, of course!) and a lot of children and energy, being it a Saturday.  There were 3 or 4 older boys (older meaning 4 or 5) who were running around chasing each other, seemingly uncontrollable with no adults visibly interacting with them.  I said to my wife, "I wonder if their parents just dropped them off here, I've seen no adult interaction with these kids whatsoever!"  This went on for a while.  Other kids got knocked over, adults (myself included) got ran into and toward the end, these boys began getting nearly physically aggressive with one another.

Once a guardian type was outed, in this case a grandfather with perhaps an Italian accent, one other young father approached him after his little girl was knocked over by these boys.  All this really led to was the man yelling the boys name across long distances every once in a while and the boy ignoring him.  I had to speak up on two occasions; once in the house while my daughter was nearby warning the boys to be careful and watch out for other kids, the second time I feel like I was almost breaking up a fight.  The "grandchild" was holding on to another boy somewhat aggressively right next to me, to which I spoke up and said that everyone should keep their hands to themselves.  I later identified the other boys father, who was nearby when this physical interaction was taking place, to which I thought "Why aren't you intervening here, dad?  Your son is being physically handled by another wild child in the play area!"

So where is that line, when it become necessary to intervene with other people's children when the parent's are most likely around themselves?  In hindsight, I probably could have and maybe should have spoken up on more occasions and earlier than I had, but where is that line?  When you know parents are around but aren't taking actions to control their children, when do you step in?  You know it's going to identify the parents rather quickly (although after I interjected, I surprisingly did not learn who any other of these boys' parents were) and maybe offend them?  How would I react if another parent chose to be involved in disciplining my child in my presence amongst strangers?  Perhaps it was this thought that held me back longer than it should have been.  Maybe I shouldn't have acted at all?  What do you think, dads?

Wagging The Dog?

Usually our older kids are the example to our younger ones.  The young ones are always following the older, not only physically, but in actions and words.  Well what if the younger one (by 20 months) does stuff the older one doesn't?  Is it ok to bring attention to the younger child in an attempt to get the older one to do something you wish he'd do?

Kids; The Ultimate Game Changer

Having kids WILL affect the relationship with your spouse. You have to understand that. Talk about it, acknowledge it, accept it... to a point.  Fight it hard and make an extra effort to make up for it, to keep, ultimately, your relationship at the forefront and the first priority.  Make sure you keep it strong, first for each other and also as the example to the kids as they grow and continue the cycle establishing their own families.

Letting kids feel

Dad's often have the reputation of not allowing their boys to feel certain emotions, or at least express them beyond a certain age (similarly, it is often thought boys are conditioned to be tough and non expressive and to lack sensitivity). The thing is, I feel like most women are attracted to, or at least appreciate, the sensitive man. Not that we're simply raising our boys to be more attractive to women (or I don't know, maybe you are?) but the point is boys who are allowed to express emotions in appropriate ways often become better in their general communication and interactions with people in all aspects of life; school, work, friends, family, etc. So dads, think about how you handle the next time little johny is sad or cries about something or how you might let him express his anger rather than just tell him to "bottle it up, kid," or "big boys don't cry!" Which isn't ultimately the best means of getting over it.

Respect Their Mothers

If I could tell fathers the best thing they can do for their children it wouldn't be about parenting.  It would be about their relationship with their children's mom.  Small children are followers and guess who they are following?  They model their lives and actions off of what they see us doing.  You might not think they notice how you respond, treat or act toward their mom but if you notice your children disrespecting their mother it might be because you are.

Do you show her signs of love and affection?  Do you support her?  Do you listen to what she says and not respond with an attitude or sharp reactions?  Do you take her seriously?  Do you support and encourage her? Do you do what she asks?  Does she have your respect?

The best model of how children should treat their mothers comes from their fathers.  I'd say my kids generally have a pretty positive example of this, but I can also honestly say I've failed at one point or another at all of the above questions.  We all will.  But we can think about these things consciously and strive to improve them all.  The simple fact is that if we want our kid's behavior and actions toward their mothers to be right, the first place we look is at our own behavior and actions toward her.